tomorrow = scary

i am really stressed right now, so i'm going to try to write a bit and see if it helps. i did a bit of yoga this morning in an attempt to center myself, but 2 minutes after i finished i was explaining to my husband how stressed i was, and i think all yoga benefits went poof!

this post will have nothing to do with veganism, so feel free to tune out now if you are so inclined, but i hope you stay because i could use all the good vibes i can get.

tomorrow is a very big day. it's the day when i will learn whether: (a) i am awarded tenure, or (b) i am fired. i have been worrying, dreaming, stressing, and/or freaking out about this day for YEARS now, and i can't believe it's tomorrow. i kind of want to dig a little hole and sit there for the next 24 hours.  in the past few months i have found ways to decrease my stress levels, and i have learned how to "detach" somewhat from all of the freakouts, and that has been Very Good, but the past day or so i seem to keep forgetting how to do those things, and i'm walking around with a perpetual tummy ache.

at our university you have to go through several levels of voting before your tenure case is decided. depending on how the first two go, the rest are more or less gravy. the first two votes are considered the scariest ones, but if they both go in your favor, then you can generally relax a bit because the other votes are more "rubber-stampy." my first vote (the department) happened in november, and it went in my favor. i was happy, but not TOO happy, because i knew there was still a Very Scary second level that needed to go my way. that vote (the division of social sciences) happens tomorrow. that committee is made up of seven people. my chair and another person from my department will attend the meeting in order to present my case, answer questions from the committee, and so forth. then they have to leave so the committee can vote. because my life is ridiculous, i will be at the gyno during this time. *rolls eyes* at some point, my cell phone will ring, and i'll learn what happened. i'm terrified already.

i am feeling a strange pressure and worry, because all of my years of graduate school and the past seven years of professor-ing have all been in preparation for this event. that scares the crap out of me. i feel like my case is reasonably solid(?) and i am happy with the 5-page letter my department submitted on my behalf... and yet, i don't feel like i have a slam-dunk case. i am nervous. the two people who will represent me at the meeting tomorrow are very nice and they support me an incredible amount, so i will try to take comfort in that idea and chill out a bit, but it's hard. right now it's all down to this group of seven people and their individual subjective interpretations of my tenure packet. bleah.

if you believe in any or all of the following, i could really use some good vibes, focused positive thinking, prayers, special wishes, sparkly karma, virtual hugs, or whatever your specialty may be. i'm terrified to even post this, in fear that it will jinx me. stress stress stress stress STRESSSSSS. i'm going to go eat chocolate now.

Comments

[AAYOR]

Oh Em Gee.

I am SO EXCITED for you but I really do get just how insanely yucky this is for you.

Can't wait to hear the good news!

[Deb]

Wishing you the best!

If I could think of the magic words to help you release your stress, I would, but instead all I can think is how INSANE they would be to not give you tenure AND a bottle of champagne. And a box of chocolate.

For a bit of irony, the theme today at yoga was "non-judgement". Worth a try, anyway, isn't it? :)

[gladcow]

*****G*O*O*D***V*I*B*E*S*****
*****G*O*O*D***V*I*B*E*S*****
*****G*O*O*D***V*I*B*E*S*****

[timbu]

I believe in you.

[quagga]

I hope it all goes well for you vegan chai, but I think you should just let yourself stress out and not beat up on yourself for stressing out. I think that is overkill. Deb's comment about non-judgment is right on the money. :)

I think it is great to reach out to friends reading your blog for support -- I also think you can also generate positive vibes for yourself by thinking about *all* the people who would support your case. (I'm going to steal a technique from the book Eat, Pray, Love -- think about anyone and everyone who you respect and see if you can enlist their support. So, for instance, would your beloved deceased great grandmother send you good vibes? Of course she would. So she's on your petition to the universe to grant you a yes answer. But think farther -- would, for instance, Martin Luther King send you good vibes? Why of course he would -- he has *no* reason not to think a good thought your way and a kind thought is no effort/no expense at all! So, if you think about it in that way, you have practically the whole universe pulling for you, wishing that you get what you want most. OK, I'll stop now because I fear that I am not making sense. I've already checked in with Gandhi about whether your second committee will support you, and I think he said yes -- you may want to check in with him yourself.)

ALSO, when I start to stress out about an Event happening, I try to remember to ask myself what is *the worst thing* that can happen if it doesn't go the way I have planned/worked/hoped for? If it is something that I really love, I tell myself that I will pick myself up, pat myself on the back, cry a little/lot, and reassess. I remind myself that I am a smart, capable person and I am the sum of more than one event--and that *I can trust myself* to figure things out if the worst happens. If the Event involves/affects someone else, like a loved one, well, we'll just have to figure it out together if necessary. Some things are beyond my control, I have done the best I was able and *willing* to do at the time, and I must let the chips fall where they may. I tell myself to be gentler with myself than I am with anyone else in the whole world.

So, dear vegan chai, be gentle with yourself and I wish you all the best. I hope you get a happy phone call in the middle of your gyno appointment.

Aack! I've gone on for far too long. I'll be thinking about you!

[gen]

can't top what quagga said, but i'll be thinking of you and sending you all the good vibes and love that i have! :)
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[Jude]

Just some random good wishes from the internets; somebody hit my blog with the search "vegan yoga" (me, yoga yes, vegan not so much) and your blog post came up as well.

Hope today goes well for you. Breath......

[Danielle]

woooooo - good luck, good luck, good luck, even though you don't need it! I will be thinking of you!

[river selkie]

good luck!

~positive vibes~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Aurabee]

Keeping my fingers crossed.