exceptions

on wednesday i spent the day at my mother's house, with my sister and her daughter, helping my mom clean her basement. it was just a big pile of fun, as you might imagine. anyhow, to pay us back, my mom bought us lunch, which i ran out to pick up. after we were done eating, my mom went into the kitchen for a minute, and then when she came back she put a piece of chocolate in front of me. as she did so, she said, "i don't think you'll want this, because it's milk chocolate," and then gave my (lacto-ovo) sister a piece as well, and then she sat down at the other end of the table with her own piece.

i thought it was a little weird.

i have been vegan for almost three years now, and although the first month or two of my veganism was slightly "transitional" (in that i ate one of my grandma's christmas cookies, for example), i can honestly say that it's been YEARS since anything like that has happened. she has been around me countless times when other people have had birthday cake and i've gone without (or, alternatively, i've baked the birthday cake so that everyone--me included--can eat it). she's seen me skip over plenty of candy dishes. i have no idea why she even grabbed a third piece of chocolate for me... was she just trying to "keep it fair" and have something to offer me? or did she think there was a chance that i might say, "ah, just this once," and eat it? i'm not sure, and i didn't ask. i simply replied, "yep, you're right," and handed my piece over to my sister.

anyway, it got me thinking about the exceptions that we make sometimes. as i mentioned, i had a brief transitional period when i went vegan (aside from the christmas cookie of my gram's, i remember distinctly getting pancakes at a restaurant a couple of times), but it didn't last long and it's been ages since i've thought of "compromising." when i was vegetarian, though, i was a lot more flexible. i think sometimes i don't like to remember or admit that, but i had a conversation on thursday that reminded me just how much i confused my ethics sometimes. i was at a meeting with a friend/colleague and our research assistant, and it was my friend's birthday, so i had baked cupcakes (pumpkin chocolate chip, with cinnamon glaze) for the occasion. i remembered while i was baking them that this particular friend was the first person who got me to try pumpkin, which eventually turned into a bit of an obsession for me, so i thought these cupcakes were a fitting birthday tribute.

anyway, when i presented the cupcakes at our meeting, i told this little story about how she first introduced me to pumpkin, and she was surprised--evidently i hadn't made a big deal of it at the time, which in retrospect (given the point of this entry) makes a lot of sense. but anyhow, as i was explaining to them about the pumpkin, she said, much to my horror, "oh yeah, that's the dinner when i made my lasagna with the ground turkey for you!"

i was immediately confused, embarrassed, certain she was wrong, and i felt very much "on display" or "called out" or something. i said, "what? no! really?" but it dawned on me that she was absolutely right. i was vegetarian then (this was about six years ago), but i had compromised when she offered to make her lasagna with ground turkey instead of beef, and i said that would be fine. i had totally and completely forgotten about that, but now she was saying it out loud in front of an audience, and i felt like a jackass. she said, "well you weren't vegan then!" and i said, "right, right," and i just wanted so badly to talk about the cupcakes again, which is basically what happened.

if i am really honest with myself i can remember lots of "exceptions" that i made during the 11 years that i was vegetarian, before going vegan. i ate jello for a long long time, and i gave up tuna much later than any other meat, just to name a couple of examples. now i am kind of ashamed of that, because over the past few days i have thought about WHY i did that: it was solely to make other people more comfortable with me. i never had secret private meat binges--it was totally a social thing. i was uncomfortable being "the weirdo" so i compromised my beliefs occasionally to make myself look more flexible, approachable, "normal," the list goes on and on. i did this with my family, my friends, and even my own husband. so i guess i can't really blame my mom for being a bit confused--back in the day, i could be a little wishy-washy around my loved ones.

looking back, i understand why i did it, but it makes me sad that i felt that was the solution. now i understand (and i have for the past three years) that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a certain ethical belief and sticking to it. i am totally comfortable being vegan and in fact i absolutely adore being vegan. it feels right to me, i feel "at peace" this way, and even though it does create slightly awkward scenarios at times, i never EVER feel like i should make exceptions. i don't know if it's because veganism lines up all of the ethical considerations i have always held dear in a neat and tidy package--in a way that mere vegetarianism can't satisfy--which makes it so much easier to feel confident in my decision... or if it's because i've grown as a person and have a stronger backbone... or if it's because i realize that everyone will still like me even if i don't put butter on my bread... or maybe it's a combination of those things. in any event, i'm very relieved that i've gotten to this place.

Comments

[Flower]

I can so relate to all of this. I was very wishy washy for quite some time, which I think was out of trying not to be "inconvenient" for others. No longer, though, and like you, I feel totally at peace. :)

[michelle]

i have never "cheated" as a vegetarian, but as a vegan... oh boy, let's just say that me and cheese have been seen together on more than one occasion. like you, these were in social settings, where someone had gone out of their way to make a veggie dish for me.. and i didn't want to be rude. (now i just bring some food to share!)

veganism does feel right to me.. i was veg for 12 years before i finally went vegan, and i sort of felt not quite right during that time.. like i was striving for my ideal, and not quite attaining it. but with veganism, everything just fell right in place.

[Karina]

Oh my gosh - I feel like you are writing about me! I was a vegetarian for 18 years before recently becoming vegan. Tuna - ha ha that was so me! If I was out somewhere and there wasn't a veggie choice I liked I would just have tuna - what a doofus! (me, I mean, not you!) And I've eaten chicken so as not to cause a fuss with in-laws too. Funnily enough, being vegan really helps just push past that wishy-washyness for me too. Although, I had to fess up and blog about my tea with cow's milk (and other things) that I had yesterday - d'oh! I'm really glad to read that it took you a little while to transition too. Love your blog! K xxx

[Sarah]

I think when I was veggie, the thing I didn't think about was toiletries mainly probably a few "food items" too but nothing obvious, I didn't even realise when vegan until a few months after, when I went on a vegan mad toiletry hunt. lol But then vegan can be hard at first, when your having to learn a whole new language. :-| lol

Tell your mum to get you vegan chocolate next time, then if they don't like it, you can have the whole bar. lol

[bird]

i'm so happy that you feel at peace with who you are and how you are. :)

i like the new (to me) look of your blog, by the way. :)

[Tamara]

How did I not find your blog before today??? Now you're in trouble - I tagged you for a meme... participation totally optional.
http://www.mcfarlanddesigns.com/2007/09/meme-time.html
Tamara

[Ari Moore]

I totally identify with this. Veganism's neat-and-tidy ethics are definitely a good thing - leaves you feeling you're standing on much more solid ground than with vegetarianism. Cool post!